for the longest time i've been asking God why my past relationship ended so horribly. this question has always been gnawing at the back of my mind even tho i go about my days as if everything is so perfect in my life. itz so easy to hide behind this mask and pretend that everything is so cool, when in fact itz not. itz even easier to pretend when your life is so busy with everyday events that consume so much of your precious time. inevitably it all must come to an end as you lay in the dark of night and reality starts to set in. no more distractions, just you and your conscience. slowly that inner voice gets louder and starts to resonate the very question you've been trying to avoid…"why did things happen the way they did God?" you get desperate, so you start to count sheep but to no avail. there is no escape this time, so you contemplate until you finally fall asleep. as morning comes, a new day ushers in but sadly the cycle begins once again.

so why did everything happen the way it did? three years later i'm still not completely 100% sure why God set in motion the events in my life. after all, how can anyone be 100% sure of God's reasons for what He does. to fully grasp His reasons would require us to be at the same level as our creator which of course is so silly to even begin to fathom so, you learn to accept by faith that God knows what He is doing in all facets of your life. that is what i've always known but only now do i really believe in my heart. when i look at how things are in my life, i honestly can say that i wouldn't be the person i am today if things didn't happen the way they did. not to mention i wouldn't have met the people i now call my frienz and especially my beloved becca. but that still doesn't take away from the hurt and suffering endured through the process.

i was spiritually dry at the time and involved in a relationship that didn't meet my needs but didn't have the heart to end. i really loved her so much so despite our imperfect relationship i did my very best to keep things together. in the end she ended the relationship and left me broken hearted. not so much because the relationship ended but more the fact that our friendship ended as well. i was so hurt at the fact that she didn't care about my feelings anymore. i was tired of all the lying and lack of communication. i was so mad at the fact that she just walked out of my life and into the arms of some other guy. it just didn't seem right after everything i did for her. i felt so used like some cheap tissue that could be discarded without a second thought. how could someone do this, i thought to myself. i was the first person to befriend her and encourage her to be more involved and be more social. i introduced her to my circle of frienz and did my best to make her feel accepted in church. i was the one who was always there when things got tough and for all my efforts in the end she left me. never once making any effort to salvage some sort of friendship. she just left and never looked back. sadly the hurt and the madness slowly turn to hate. a hate that enveloped the goodness in me and spawned resentment and bitterness that has so consumed me ever since. i had wished that i never had met her in the beginning i kept telling myself and soon i just found myself in a deep pit of despair

itz been three years now and so much has changed in my life. for the first time i can finally say that i've put everything in the past. for the first time i can say that i forgive you for the hurt and pain you caused me. it has been such a long struggle but i've been blessed with the greatest of frienz and especially my beloved through this whole experience. the bitterness and resentment that once consumed my life no longer has control over me. in hindsight i can't thank God enough for what He put me through even tho at the time i didn't feel this way. God knew that my past relationship wasn't what i really needed. He knew how i felt deep inside but didn't have the heart to say.

there was so many things missing in my past relationship that are so clear now. the communication, the commitment, the honesty, the feeling of security, the understanding of needs, the family support and the presence of God. such vital ingredients for a lasting and healthy relationship. it requires so much time, effort and work to make things right and more often then not itz so much easier to just walk away. to not deal with the issues in the relationship and just pretend that everything is fine when itz not. to sweep aside their feelings and not even acknowledge what they have to say. in the end, negative feelings fester, problems compound, resentment builds up, arguments ensue and inevitably leading to a break down of the relationship and ultimately an end. this pretty much sums up my past relationship in a nut shell.

with that said, restoring that which was once broken is something that i've felt God continually pressing upon my heart. with every sermon i feel God speaking to me and tugging at my heart to reconcile that past relationship that once hurt me. that forgiveness isn't enough, and that if she's not going to make any attempt to reconcile what happen between us than i'll take the initiative. it may go against everything i use to do but itz time to grow up. itz time to stop doing things my way and start doing things God's way despite how much i've been hurt by her or despite how painful the process will be. itz not going to be easy. i have no idea how she feels anymore or if she even remotely cares about me or our broke relationship. she's done nothing thus far so i'm left to believe that i no longer mean much to her. i've surrendered this relationship to God and trust that in His infinite wisdom that He knows what is best for me and for josie. pray for me...