Monday, May 30, 2005
happy bday becca!!
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
the gift
itz about 2 in the morning and i’m fast asleep after an eventful weekend. sure enough the one time i just wanna sleep i get a phone call from a friend. to make things worst, i was too lazy this one time to bring my cell phone with me to bed so i have to get out of bed to answer this call…grrr!! i can’t remember the last time someone called at 2 in the morning and having a decent conversation without falling asleep on them. i’m sure becca can attest to this. maybe itz cuz i haven’t talked to karen in so long or maybe itz just a combination of that, mixed with missing the kind of closeness we once shared before we both got so busy with our personal lives. her tone of voice said it all, i knew what she was gona say, and then she just poured her heart out to me about him. as i sat there just listening i couldn’t help but start getting teary eyed. a part of me just felt responsible for bringing the kind of stress, heartache and pain into her life by introducing them in the first place. what once was joy has turned to regret...
it was suppose to be a fairytale story. he was one of my closest guy frienz who was super sweet, sensitive and smart. she was this awesome girl that i got to know through our many conversations about our broken relationships in the past. i wanted so much for them to be together because they seem so compatible and i saw qualities that would really make an awesome relationship. one that would find itz foundations strongly rooted in Christ. the gears in my head were working hard to bring them both together and sure enough with time things worked out as planned. i was overcome with joy when it was official...bf/gf...finally it was complete. they were so much in love, you could see it in so many ways, especially the way they held each other under a moon lit sky adorned with brightly shining stars. the way they starred at each other seem to reach deep into their souls. they had fallen in love or so i had thought at the time. perhaps they had fallen in love with the idea love itself. i really don’t know, i can’t speak for the both of them, but what i do know, is how things are now and it scares me. fairytale stories are suppose to end with a happily ever after...so what happened?
i keep asking myself this very question over and over again. the more i keep thinking about this the more questions keep surfacing. i know that i can’t keep hiding behind this idealistic relationship that i want them both to have. that i have to face the reality of what i do see and that is you and her aren’t meant to be. itz not a question about my loyalties to you anymore but what God has impressed in my heart that i feel is right. slowly all those great characteristics of you i once admired are slowly fading away and shrouded by a darker side of you that scares me very much. in the past, it isn’t just the fact that you’re upset about something wrong she may have done to you but itz this feeling of just pure rage that i get from you. itz not even the fact that you are yelling at her, but just something about you. you’ve become a different person, a person i don’t even recognize and the truth is i don’t want to get to know.
i know things in your life have been tough and i’m sure the road that you’ve traveled to get to the point where you are today hasn’t been easy. i can’t say i understand what you’ve gone through but what i do know, is that in the end, it will be your attitude that defines how you deal with life circumstances. so perhaps the cards dealt to you by God weren’t the best but what you do with those cards is up to you. someone once said "what we are is God’s gift to us: what we become is our gift to God". you can continue to live your life complaining and being upset at all the things that you don’t have or you can start to realize all the blessings that God bestowed to you in the simplest of things in life. you’ve taken for granted what you do have and replaced it with the superficial things this world values as being important. you’ve been looking in all the wrong places and in all the wrong people when all along itz been staring right back at you…face to face. you had the most precious gift of all...
the love of your beloved
yet you continue to let your pride, your jealous, your insecurity, and your unforgiving heart blind you from God’s gift. you remain stubborn believing your way is the only way despite being told over and over again that a relationship is about give and take. it is not a dictatorship but of mutual understanding and compromise when you don’t see eye to eye. maybe you don’t see anything wrong with what you’re doing but then again thatz what i once thought myself...and look what happened.
you of all people should know how things ended up between me and josie. i’m telling you this because i don’t want the same thing to happen to you and karen like what happened to me and josie. you still can make a difference and step out of your relationship to look at ways to improve yourself first and your relationship with karen second. i can never do that with josie and i would be lying if i told you that it doesn’t hurt anymore because it truly does. so many memories still resonate inside me of a time when we were both so happy. i loved josie so much...and to this day i still care and miss josie even tho it may not seem like i do. i may not know the kind of person she’s become but i pray always with all my heart that whatever endeavors she’s chosen that God is in control. don’t be so blind like me and take karen for granted like i took josie. don’t let you pride get the best of you because in the end you’ll be a very sad, bitter, and lonely person.
you know i only want the very best for you and i’m only telling cause i care for you like a brother. you may end up hating me for what i’ve said but i’ve entrusted my feelings to God and i pray that He’ll make you understand just how much you’ve been blessed and most importantly how much God loves you. i thank you with all my heart for being the one person who has seen me through the good and bad with josie. nothing i can ever do could repay you for the support and encouragement you gave me during that part of my life. thank you...
“love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-5
it was suppose to be a fairytale story. he was one of my closest guy frienz who was super sweet, sensitive and smart. she was this awesome girl that i got to know through our many conversations about our broken relationships in the past. i wanted so much for them to be together because they seem so compatible and i saw qualities that would really make an awesome relationship. one that would find itz foundations strongly rooted in Christ. the gears in my head were working hard to bring them both together and sure enough with time things worked out as planned. i was overcome with joy when it was official...bf/gf...finally it was complete. they were so much in love, you could see it in so many ways, especially the way they held each other under a moon lit sky adorned with brightly shining stars. the way they starred at each other seem to reach deep into their souls. they had fallen in love or so i had thought at the time. perhaps they had fallen in love with the idea love itself. i really don’t know, i can’t speak for the both of them, but what i do know, is how things are now and it scares me. fairytale stories are suppose to end with a happily ever after...so what happened?
i keep asking myself this very question over and over again. the more i keep thinking about this the more questions keep surfacing. i know that i can’t keep hiding behind this idealistic relationship that i want them both to have. that i have to face the reality of what i do see and that is you and her aren’t meant to be. itz not a question about my loyalties to you anymore but what God has impressed in my heart that i feel is right. slowly all those great characteristics of you i once admired are slowly fading away and shrouded by a darker side of you that scares me very much. in the past, it isn’t just the fact that you’re upset about something wrong she may have done to you but itz this feeling of just pure rage that i get from you. itz not even the fact that you are yelling at her, but just something about you. you’ve become a different person, a person i don’t even recognize and the truth is i don’t want to get to know.
i know things in your life have been tough and i’m sure the road that you’ve traveled to get to the point where you are today hasn’t been easy. i can’t say i understand what you’ve gone through but what i do know, is that in the end, it will be your attitude that defines how you deal with life circumstances. so perhaps the cards dealt to you by God weren’t the best but what you do with those cards is up to you. someone once said "what we are is God’s gift to us: what we become is our gift to God". you can continue to live your life complaining and being upset at all the things that you don’t have or you can start to realize all the blessings that God bestowed to you in the simplest of things in life. you’ve taken for granted what you do have and replaced it with the superficial things this world values as being important. you’ve been looking in all the wrong places and in all the wrong people when all along itz been staring right back at you…face to face. you had the most precious gift of all...
the love of your beloved
yet you continue to let your pride, your jealous, your insecurity, and your unforgiving heart blind you from God’s gift. you remain stubborn believing your way is the only way despite being told over and over again that a relationship is about give and take. it is not a dictatorship but of mutual understanding and compromise when you don’t see eye to eye. maybe you don’t see anything wrong with what you’re doing but then again thatz what i once thought myself...and look what happened.
you of all people should know how things ended up between me and josie. i’m telling you this because i don’t want the same thing to happen to you and karen like what happened to me and josie. you still can make a difference and step out of your relationship to look at ways to improve yourself first and your relationship with karen second. i can never do that with josie and i would be lying if i told you that it doesn’t hurt anymore because it truly does. so many memories still resonate inside me of a time when we were both so happy. i loved josie so much...and to this day i still care and miss josie even tho it may not seem like i do. i may not know the kind of person she’s become but i pray always with all my heart that whatever endeavors she’s chosen that God is in control. don’t be so blind like me and take karen for granted like i took josie. don’t let you pride get the best of you because in the end you’ll be a very sad, bitter, and lonely person.
you know i only want the very best for you and i’m only telling cause i care for you like a brother. you may end up hating me for what i’ve said but i’ve entrusted my feelings to God and i pray that He’ll make you understand just how much you’ve been blessed and most importantly how much God loves you. i thank you with all my heart for being the one person who has seen me through the good and bad with josie. nothing i can ever do could repay you for the support and encouragement you gave me during that part of my life. thank you...
“love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-5
Monday, May 23, 2005
surprise!!
alrite it wasn't the kind of surprise party that was expected but it was a surprise nonetheless. happy bday janette!!
awww...jan's room all decked out!
cranes are sooo cool!!
jan pretending to be surprised!
jan, brian and jalen looking good!
jan, hard at work for her own bday
car, actually in the kitchen working hard!
becca, displays her work of art
sam, the master chef
gary, put to the test after those cooking lessons from becca
car, tony and caleb workin it at the bbq
becca serving johnny noodles
tony, stuffing himself with food
jalen, eating sticks??..what duh!
sam, wins the food competition
johnny, taking a power nap
awww...jan's room all decked out!
cranes are sooo cool!!
jan pretending to be surprised!
jan, brian and jalen looking good!
jan, hard at work for her own bday
car, actually in the kitchen working hard!
becca, displays her work of art
sam, the master chef
gary, put to the test after those cooking lessons from becca
car, tony and caleb workin it at the bbq
becca serving johnny noodles
tony, stuffing himself with food
jalen, eating sticks??..what duh!
sam, wins the food competition
johnny, taking a power nap
Saturday, May 07, 2005
forgiveness
after a long day out with janice downtown, i'm in desperate need of a foot massage. any takers on this?(jan i know how much you love feet!) i mean i would prefer if you had experience in this area but like i said, i'm desperate rite now so anyone will do cuz my feet feel the burn…that can't be a good sign rite?
what an eventful day out with janice before she leaves for vietnam to participate in a three week course studying evolutionary ecology of plants and insects. it started early with a lot of walking on yonge and queen street by the eaton centre. we both got a chance to finally eat at quizno sub and we even got to visit M.E.C., which happens to be one of my favorite stores to peruse(yes itz a real word becca & janice) cuz they have all sorts of cool gadgets and camping gear. by the time we finished walking eaton centre my feet just couldn’t take it anymore and sure enough janice didn’t let it down that i couldn’t keep up with her. in all fairness, she did get a hour and half rest while she got her hair styled while i was still out roaming yonge street in search for good deals. it wasn’t on the way uptown to meet up with becca and all her frienz did we finally start talking about what kinda questions we would like to have answered at C.S.I.. for janice it seem that the whole concept of predestination was a blur and for myself forgiveness was definitely hot on my mind once again. we eventually, just ended up grabbing some coconut buns from this chinese supermarket since everyone who we were suppose to meet up with ended up being a no show.
we arrived at church early so we decided to play some bball since janice’s balling skills are legendary. she really whooped my butt with her super accurate shooting and even eliminated me from our game of bump. lucky for me the program tonight came with refreshments and i must say the dessert by alex was very yummy. i had brought my ever so popular mango pudding which i knew would put a smile on joyce. C.S.I. started with a lot of very thought-provoking questions but it wasn’t until becca read my question about forgiveness did i really start to feel engaged. after all, it was my question and there was definitely a personal element to why i would ask such a question to begin with. forgiveness is something i struggle with for as long as i can remember. as i’m writing this, the voice in my head is already firing off name’s of people that i find it hard to forgive. people who have offended or hurt me in the past, none harder to forgive then HER. in the past i’ve said i’ve forgivin HER, after all who i am today is because things happened the way they did. and yet i just don’t feel like i’m totally content with how things are. i know everything happens for a reason and i honestly do believe that it was all part of God’s determined WILL for me. with time i do see things coming full circle but i know there is still something missing in the “big” picture. i think apart of it has a lot to do with just getting the kinda closer that i’ve never gotten. still waiting in expectancy for those words “i’m sorry for hurting you...will you forgive me?”. at the same time, i remember what pui wing said at C.S.I. again and again. at the end of the day, so what if you get all the anwers you're looking for, then what? would that make you believe more and accept everything wholeheartedly? would that make you forgive HER? as i ponder this…
...the underlying truth is, if i never hear those words or get the kind of closer i’m seeking i would still fully forgive josie. i’ve held this for so long because i’ve always cared for HER dispite how much i’ve been hurt. and that is the truth...
...finally i feel the circle is complete...
what an eventful day out with janice before she leaves for vietnam to participate in a three week course studying evolutionary ecology of plants and insects. it started early with a lot of walking on yonge and queen street by the eaton centre. we both got a chance to finally eat at quizno sub and we even got to visit M.E.C., which happens to be one of my favorite stores to peruse(yes itz a real word becca & janice) cuz they have all sorts of cool gadgets and camping gear. by the time we finished walking eaton centre my feet just couldn’t take it anymore and sure enough janice didn’t let it down that i couldn’t keep up with her. in all fairness, she did get a hour and half rest while she got her hair styled while i was still out roaming yonge street in search for good deals. it wasn’t on the way uptown to meet up with becca and all her frienz did we finally start talking about what kinda questions we would like to have answered at C.S.I.. for janice it seem that the whole concept of predestination was a blur and for myself forgiveness was definitely hot on my mind once again. we eventually, just ended up grabbing some coconut buns from this chinese supermarket since everyone who we were suppose to meet up with ended up being a no show.
we arrived at church early so we decided to play some bball since janice’s balling skills are legendary. she really whooped my butt with her super accurate shooting and even eliminated me from our game of bump. lucky for me the program tonight came with refreshments and i must say the dessert by alex was very yummy. i had brought my ever so popular mango pudding which i knew would put a smile on joyce. C.S.I. started with a lot of very thought-provoking questions but it wasn’t until becca read my question about forgiveness did i really start to feel engaged. after all, it was my question and there was definitely a personal element to why i would ask such a question to begin with. forgiveness is something i struggle with for as long as i can remember. as i’m writing this, the voice in my head is already firing off name’s of people that i find it hard to forgive. people who have offended or hurt me in the past, none harder to forgive then HER. in the past i’ve said i’ve forgivin HER, after all who i am today is because things happened the way they did. and yet i just don’t feel like i’m totally content with how things are. i know everything happens for a reason and i honestly do believe that it was all part of God’s determined WILL for me. with time i do see things coming full circle but i know there is still something missing in the “big” picture. i think apart of it has a lot to do with just getting the kinda closer that i’ve never gotten. still waiting in expectancy for those words “i’m sorry for hurting you...will you forgive me?”. at the same time, i remember what pui wing said at C.S.I. again and again. at the end of the day, so what if you get all the anwers you're looking for, then what? would that make you believe more and accept everything wholeheartedly? would that make you forgive HER? as i ponder this…
...the underlying truth is, if i never hear those words or get the kind of closer i’m seeking i would still fully forgive josie. i’ve held this for so long because i’ve always cared for HER dispite how much i’ve been hurt. and that is the truth...
...finally i feel the circle is complete...
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
finally an update
i’ve finally decided that itz time to update my blog since itz been way too long. so much has happened in the past seven months that the longer i procrastinate the more i seem to forget if not already forgotten. with that said, i’ve decided that i’m not going to trace back all the events that have made me the person i am today. i’m going to simply start with the present and commit to updating my blog more frequently.
for as long as i’ve been going to church, i’ve always known stephen as the "guy that got stoned" and that was pretty much it. always felt bad for the guy cuz thatz such a horrible way to die. so you can imagine my surprise this past friday when we studied acts chapter 6 and discovered that stephen was strategically important historically as well as his individual life. as a consequence of his death, persecution broke out in jerusalem which scattered the church, resulting in the evangelization of judea and samaria and eventually the world. the very character of stephen's life is proof that the effect of a person's ministry has nothing to do with the length of it. his ministry was short, and yet it was the catalyst that sparked the fulfillment of the great commission so that you and i today can know the salvation that comes with a personal relationship with God. God had a plan and stephen was the key and by the same token God has a plan for you and me. in our endeavor to share the gospel we may never see any one person come to know Christ just like stephen, but just like stephen our ministry is nevertheless important in God's grand design. so the next time you feel God tugging at your heart, know that whether or not you choose to act on it not only affects you but also indirectly affect others as well and ultimately the kingdom of heaven.
i've known you the longest at rhcbc every since i met you that faithful day on the bus ride to "the maze". thank you for befriending me and for making me feel so welcome at church. i wish you the best as you chase your dreams in med school. i know our paths will cross again so until then i'll enjoy the silence without all your farting and burping...joking! take care and thanx again edith!
gurlz cell group: joyce, kim, eeds, amy, karin, becca & jan (minus hannah)
eeds in shock after receiving her care package
becca & gummi
gangster gurlz: nitty, karin, car & bianca
johnny, nitty & jan
becca & jan
becca upto her normal sillyness
awww...look at those curlz!
a new season of softball is upon me and once again i find myself on the sidelines. i remember winning the jr. championships against scbc at wigmore park and telling myself that i would just retire while on top and enjoy just being actively involved with softball but not as a player. i've keep true to my word to this day despite all the persuasion i've faced in the past years but never have i felt so strongly against my decision to this point in my life. this past sunday, rhcbc had their softball orientation and it was such an eye opener for me. i had originally planned to play yugioh but felt the tugging of my heart by God to go despite the fact that i wasn't affiliated with any particular team. the whole time while i was there i felt like such an outsider so i decided that i would take pictures for the team that i felt most tided to which of course is now rhcbc lights. as i sat quietly waiting for those opportune times to snap those candid shots i couldn't help but feel sad inside. i was the guy standing outside the box looking in and only observing all the fun, laugher and new friendships being formed but never experiencing it. i knew at that moment that once again i let my fears rob me of the kind of life i could have been experiencing. the fear of going back on my word, the fear of embarrassing myself on the field and letting the team down, the fear of hitting the pitcher, the fear of commitment to one team and finally the fear of seeing her once again. all these fears suddenly seem so insignificant as i watch them play the "crossing the river" game. all i wanted was to play on rhcbc lights and play beside my beloved becca. when asked by joyce why i wasn't play softball, i had no true answer, just weak excuses that didn't hold any weight. i have only myself to blame for this but i know now, i will not make this mistake again.
brian, nitty & becca: now thatz team work!
Jan: mmm...rice crispy square!
eeds doing her victory dance!
eeds stalling for time before the church cheer
karin & claudia: where is everybody?
bobby & sam: who is this touching my bum?
jerry, angie & johnny: more blindfolded fun!
johnny in the next dr. seuss cat in the hat movie!
joyce i'm watching you!
jan defending herself from the boyz!
eliot itz time to wake up!
jan, becca & daphne in "river crossing"
for as long as i’ve been going to church, i’ve always known stephen as the "guy that got stoned" and that was pretty much it. always felt bad for the guy cuz thatz such a horrible way to die. so you can imagine my surprise this past friday when we studied acts chapter 6 and discovered that stephen was strategically important historically as well as his individual life. as a consequence of his death, persecution broke out in jerusalem which scattered the church, resulting in the evangelization of judea and samaria and eventually the world. the very character of stephen's life is proof that the effect of a person's ministry has nothing to do with the length of it. his ministry was short, and yet it was the catalyst that sparked the fulfillment of the great commission so that you and i today can know the salvation that comes with a personal relationship with God. God had a plan and stephen was the key and by the same token God has a plan for you and me. in our endeavor to share the gospel we may never see any one person come to know Christ just like stephen, but just like stephen our ministry is nevertheless important in God's grand design. so the next time you feel God tugging at your heart, know that whether or not you choose to act on it not only affects you but also indirectly affect others as well and ultimately the kingdom of heaven.
i've known you the longest at rhcbc every since i met you that faithful day on the bus ride to "the maze". thank you for befriending me and for making me feel so welcome at church. i wish you the best as you chase your dreams in med school. i know our paths will cross again so until then i'll enjoy the silence without all your farting and burping...joking! take care and thanx again edith!
gurlz cell group: joyce, kim, eeds, amy, karin, becca & jan (minus hannah)
eeds in shock after receiving her care package
becca & gummi
gangster gurlz: nitty, karin, car & bianca
johnny, nitty & jan
becca & jan
becca upto her normal sillyness
awww...look at those curlz!
a new season of softball is upon me and once again i find myself on the sidelines. i remember winning the jr. championships against scbc at wigmore park and telling myself that i would just retire while on top and enjoy just being actively involved with softball but not as a player. i've keep true to my word to this day despite all the persuasion i've faced in the past years but never have i felt so strongly against my decision to this point in my life. this past sunday, rhcbc had their softball orientation and it was such an eye opener for me. i had originally planned to play yugioh but felt the tugging of my heart by God to go despite the fact that i wasn't affiliated with any particular team. the whole time while i was there i felt like such an outsider so i decided that i would take pictures for the team that i felt most tided to which of course is now rhcbc lights. as i sat quietly waiting for those opportune times to snap those candid shots i couldn't help but feel sad inside. i was the guy standing outside the box looking in and only observing all the fun, laugher and new friendships being formed but never experiencing it. i knew at that moment that once again i let my fears rob me of the kind of life i could have been experiencing. the fear of going back on my word, the fear of embarrassing myself on the field and letting the team down, the fear of hitting the pitcher, the fear of commitment to one team and finally the fear of seeing her once again. all these fears suddenly seem so insignificant as i watch them play the "crossing the river" game. all i wanted was to play on rhcbc lights and play beside my beloved becca. when asked by joyce why i wasn't play softball, i had no true answer, just weak excuses that didn't hold any weight. i have only myself to blame for this but i know now, i will not make this mistake again.
brian, nitty & becca: now thatz team work!
Jan: mmm...rice crispy square!
eeds doing her victory dance!
eeds stalling for time before the church cheer
karin & claudia: where is everybody?
bobby & sam: who is this touching my bum?
jerry, angie & johnny: more blindfolded fun!
johnny in the next dr. seuss cat in the hat movie!
joyce i'm watching you!
jan defending herself from the boyz!
eliot itz time to wake up!
jan, becca & daphne in "river crossing"
If there are 1 million steps